dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
