How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
