then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
