I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
