Already got asked if we're dating
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
