things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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