put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
