I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's rum buckets o'clock
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
