shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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