My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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