Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
