dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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