You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
