My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
