I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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