I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the day after is always just damage control
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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