you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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