Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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