My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
