You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
