Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
