I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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