you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
