You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
