I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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