My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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