Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
