I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
