You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
