took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
