Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize