Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
