tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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