i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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