Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
