I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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