Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm like, not good at living.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
