I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
