i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
