You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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