Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
