also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
