don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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