I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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