I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
