i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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