if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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