I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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