I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
