you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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