At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize