I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
