The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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