i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
