I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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