after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also, beer. Big fan.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
