Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
