Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
