You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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