I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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