My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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