I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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