if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
