We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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