nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
